Purpose and Money

For the first half of this year I was obsessed with financial freedom. I used to fantasize about the things I would do if I "just had the money": pursue my hobbies, travel the world, buy a nice car and house, retire my parents, etc. I think this obsession is a common one particularly amongst first generation immigrants like myself. We feel indebted to our parents for their sacrifices and want to repay them before they get too old.

Sometime near the end of April, I effectively became "free". Free in the sense that:

I had no active work obligations, effectively unemployed
I had a stable 5 figures in monthly income
I was living at home with my parents, effectively reducing my monthly burn to under $1k

Effectively, I was financially "free". I had no obligations and enough money coming in to finally pursue my hobbies and travel.

Yet my life was miserable. Every day I woke up and scrolled social media endlessly. My screen time averaged 10hrs/day. I was floating around aimlessly, devoid of purpose, experiencing peak "bedrotting".

What was wrong? Didn't I make it? Why was my life so miserable?

I took myself through several thought experiments: let's say I had a hundred million dollars in my bank account. How would that actually change my life? I realized a few things:

I no longer had compulsion to work towards things (since I had the money). Money was the biggest reason I put effort into work all my life. Getting into a good school, getting a good job, playing asymmetrical games were all in the name of wealth creation.
The lack of responsibilities (gf/wife, children, or dependent parents - yet) meant I had no one to provide for but myself. This made me feel useless.
This misery would persist even if I had more money.

All of this finally clicked together, and I realized all of the dreams and fantasies I had about money were just marketing campaigns that were sold to me. If I had my dream car, I wouldn't even drive it around Toronto much because of how shitty the roads are. I'd attract unwanted attention from criminals or kidnappers looking to carjack me. It'd be a hassle to maintain. Spending money on girls? I can't even fathom the idea of hoeing around. I'm faithful to my future wife. And travelling first class everywhere? Sounds nice, but is also incredibly exhausting. I'd fly to Italy... to eat pasta of which I could get basically the same quality locally? I truly internalized that beyond the basics, there is literally no use for money. And without a higher purpose beyond yourself, you're not actually "living".

I had "escaped the matrix" only to realize money was a never-ending psyop that kept me on the hamster wheel.

Note: this isn't to say that money is not worth pursuing. I think it's perfectly fine to work towards it in the short term. But it won't give your life meaning.

True happiness comes from pursuing a worthy purpose.

Elon Musk is not working for the money. There is literally nothing left for him to buy anymore, he is way past that point. He is doing it for the legacy, to contribute something to the world, to change the world. This is very apparent after you read his biography. He urgently feels the need to make human life multiplanetary.

He lives for a higher purpose.

Ask yourself: if you could do one thing for the rest of your life, and if money, training to get there, and fear of judgement were not factors, what would you want to do? It should be something that makes you happy regardless of the financial output.

My answer to that isn't yet clear. I've always liked helping people. Maybe some mentorship or teaching? I also think being a doctor could be incredibly fulfilling. Giving hope to people who are suffering. Even just being a good future dad and husband. While I haven't settled on a singular north star (in fact, I think you can have multiple in one lifetime), this epiphany cured my insufferable bedrotting. I hope everyone can find a purpose and crush it in life.